When You Are Married to a Non Believer

Welcome to the New Life Ministries podcast. When a person becomes a Christian after they are married, how should they relate to their spouse? Should they take steps to force that person to go to church or to make friends with their new Christian friends? All too often, that ends up alienating their spouse and putting up barriers to Jesus. Today’s text calls us to the nuances of serving one’s spouse through submission and equality for the purpose of helping them find Jesus.

Let’s join the service. Recently, I watched the HBO miniseries on Chernobyl, which recounts the nuclear power plant explosion of April 1986. Now, I remember when it happened, and I knew it was bad.

I think we all knew it was bad, but I didn’t realize how bad it was, and they didn’t really release how bad it was for a while. So the Chernobyl event was a level seven disaster on the international nuclear event scale. That’s as bad as it can be.

It is one of two of the worst natural disasters ever, sorry, technological disasters to ever hit the planet, and people will never be able to live in the area known as the exclusion zone ever again, like it will be contaminated for about 20,000 years. Now, what I didn’t realize is that there was almost two more follow-up disasters. One was, as the melting reactor core was heating up, it was beginning to sink and melt the concrete pad it was on, and under it were pools of water used for cooling, the bubbler pools, and if it was to land in those bubbler pools, it would instantly turn all of that water to steam and explode the entire site, sending more radioactive debris from the power plant into the atmosphere.

So that was within a couple days of the event, and there was a second potential disaster that as the nuclear core melted down, it was possibly going to sink into the underground water table, the aquifer, which would poison the water through the Soviet Union, parts of Europe, and all of the Black Sea. It would have been, like it was, it is already bad, it would have been shockingly bad. It would have destroyed a percentage of the planet.

So one of the things that caught my attention in this show was people being willing to sacrifice their life or their health in order to prevent these two potential disasters from happening, and in one scene the workers are being told they need three volunteers to enter into the belly of the exploded reactor, walk through contaminated water, and access the valves to drain the water in the bubbler pools, and the person leading the meeting says volunteers will get 400 rubles each year for the rest of their life, but he knows they’ll likely die within a couple weeks. And the workers have already seen folks suffering from radiation burns, and so they say, why would we do this? Like, we know you’re lying to us, why on earth would we do it? And after a pause, the director says, because it needs to be done. Only you can do it, and if you don’t, millions of people will die.

It just, it needs to be done. And I thought, this is what it means to give your life to a cause that’s greater than your own life. If no one does it, there will be irreparable damage to the continent.

It just has to be done. And so the three men volunteer, and they complete the task, and they prevent the second explosion, obviously. And actually, they didn’t die as expected.

Two of them are still living, and the third one only died in 2005. So they had the right gear, and I think they had God’s blessing, and they were able to do it. So this idea of giving your life to a cause greater than your own life leads us into 1 Peter.

We’re in the middle of this discussion about how to relate to non-Christians when they persecute you, and or they make your life generally more difficult than it needs to be. So last week, we learned that we are not to respond to evil by doing evil, but we’re to respond with goodness. And we respond with such goodness that folks actually have no charge against us.

And how we do that is that we realize we’re part of a greater story. We are called to give our life to a greater cause, and that enables us to serve. So the passage continues today, and Peter now has some advice for wives and husbands who are in marriages where the other person’s not a Christian.

And I think it’s very funny that I’m talking about a nuclear reaction explosion and then marriage. Somehow that feels like an appropriate connection. So the folks that Peter was initially writing to, they’re asking the question, how do we do this? Like, what do we do here? We’re married to non-Christian spouses.

We’ve become Christians. Do we separate and divorce our spouse? Do we force them to come to church? Do we just argue with them until they become believers? What do we do? And so Peter writes to answer that question. Let me just offer a prayer, and we’ll tackle this passage.

Father, as we look at this very contextual, a lesson for a certain moment in history, would you help us? Would your Spirit speak to us about how it applies to us today, whether we are married or single or we have non-Christians in our family or not? Help us to understand what it is, this passage, why this passage is here, and what it’s calling us to. May your grace be on the reading of your Word. Amen.

So as a setup, remember at the start of this section in 1 Peter chapter 2, there was this verse that said, be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world. And that passage went on to talk about relating with government, and it went on to talk about slavery, and now it continues.

Chapter 3. In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then even if some refuse to obey the good news, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.

They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life.

Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other.

Love each other as brothers and sisters, or be affectionate with each other. Be tender-hearted and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil.

Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.

For the scriptures say, if you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace and work to maintain it.

The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right. His ears are open to their prayers, but the Lord turns his face against those who do evil. So how do you act? How do you respond when you’re married to a non-believer? So this passage does not comment on how women should relate to men.

It does not say that women should be subject to men. It does not say that women are of lesser value or are of lesser competence than men. Peter’s concern here is that we don’t behave in such a way that we bring criticism against the message of Jesus, and he has a concern that non-believers are able to find their way to faith in Jesus.

So let’s look at their context. From what I read in the Provinces of Asia Minor, which is where this letter was written to, and this is a quote, women engaged in private businesses, they served in political office, and had prominent roles in religious cults. They were able to vote and hold office.

Roman society, in particular, allowed more property rights for women, permitted greater leverage for women in marriage and divorce situations, and encouraged more education for women. So these are not powerless women. They are highly influential.

They are capable people. Peter is not writing to reinforce some stereotype where women are somehow secondary and must submit to men. That is not this setup.

With me? Okay, because there’s another cultural piece. In their culture, women were expected to take on the religion of their husband, and they were also encouraged to take on their husband’s circle of friends and influence, and to make that their circle of connections, you know, and then, you know, the wives of their husband’s friends. But they were expected, when they got married, to leave behind their social connections, their religion, and do their husband’s world.

That’s the cultural piece. What’s the tension that that creates? Well, the tension is these women have just become Christians, so they’re leaving the religion of their husband, and they’re making a whole new circle of friends with folks at church without him. And that is way out of step with their culture, and it makes following Jesus suspicious.

And Peter doesn’t want these women to give their husbands a reason to reject the gospel. So what if these women, in a desire to help their husbands understand Jesus, they decide to just tell him to come to church all the time? Like, all the time, they’re nagging, you should come to church. Why don’t you come to church? Church is getting together.

Or they start suggesting and almost demanding that he should make friends with her church friends. Or every conversation becomes about Jesus. And what if there are moments where she’s so unsettled and emotional and says things like, you’re going to be condemned eternally unless you repent and come to find Jesus.

What the experience, what the husband experiences is constant fights and tension, and he’s going to blame this Jesus religion. That’s the setup. So even though wives in our culture have many more rights and equality than ancient Rome, the tension is the same.

How do you respond when your husband’s not interested? And some of you might think, oh too bad, poor husband, he can go suck a lemon. No, our call, the call is, how do you bless and how do you help your spouse discover Jesus? So how are you going to do that? With me? So Peter says three things. In verse one, he says, accept the authority of your husband.

In verse one and two, he says, your godly lives will speak to them without words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. And then in verse four, you should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, from the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

So to accept the authority of their husband is about living within the social order of their day. Husbands would expect this in the Roman culture, which is a little bit like saying for us, you don’t have to fight him on everything. You don’t need to prove your new perspective to him.

You don’t need to prove to him why Jesus is the right way, and you don’t need to leave him. You can follow Jesus in the normal expectations of your culture. Be faithful to your commitments, be faithful to your obligations.

What we don’t want to hear is something like your husband saying, my wife became a Christian, so she left me. That is not a good example. Or my wife became a Christian, and now she’s very cold towards me because I don’t want to go to church with her.

That is not the kind of sentence we want to hear. Now, you know, the passage says, submit to the authority of your husband. Because of history, I have to say, it is not saying to obey him in everything he requests.

If he wants you to do things that violate you being a Christian, your allegiance is first to Jesus. Like, I have to add that clause. But Peter is saying, he will be won over by your pure and reverent or holy life, a gentle and quiet spirit.

So, a quiet spirit does not mean somebody who doesn’t talk. It does not say a quiet mouth. It is not trying to say, it is not trying to say that women who are gentle and quiet are the way God really wants women to be.

It is not saying that. A quiet spirit is one that is deeply settled. You are at peace deep inside, and you are at peace because you are well connected to the Lord, and that gives you freedom.

So deeply you know the Lord, the relational all-powerful God, knows you and sees you and loves you. The God who is all-present in your day. He’s all-knowing of what’s going on.

He is all-powerful, able to do anything. The God who is loving and he is holy without sin. He speaks truth.

He is just. You are living in deep connection with this God, and that makes you settled, and it makes you at peace, and it makes you free, and you are not afraid. So, Peter is drawing us to the work of growing your integrity in your relationship with Jesus, and the behavior that comes from that integrity will draw your spouse to the Lord.

So, what we want to hear is your husband saying, my wife became a Christian, and things got better between us. My wife grew as a woman, and I’m curious what caused the change, or she settled, and that is deeply appealing to me. And I think in our culture, the opposite is also true.

For a wife to say, my husband became a Christian, and he grew as a man, and I’m curious what caused that change. He is deeply settled, and that is deeply appealing. With me? Now, our culture today says, find who you are on the inside and live that person, regardless of what anybody thinks.

You don’t let them put you in a box or put you down. You live for yourself and your own self-realization. And the Bible says, no, there’s a bigger picture going on, and you are invited to be part of that bigger story.

And that bigger story is God rescuing his creation, and you can behave in your marriage for that greater purpose. So, have you ever heard of the main character syndrome? I just learned this phrase. I love it.

It’s the idea that you are the main character, you and your life, and everybody else here plays a supporting role. My buddy was telling a work colleague about a new job he had landed, and the colleague started talking about how my buddy’s work affects him. And he stops, and he goes, sorry, main character syndrome.

This is about you and your news, not me. Right. We don’t need to be the main character.

So, how you behave in your marriage can play a role in this much bigger story. And that story is Jesus working through his people to reach other people and to save people. So, you can submit your behavior and how you relate to your spouse to this larger agenda.

When we don’t need to see ourselves as being the main character in the story, then it’s easier to give up one particular agenda and serve, because our agenda is not the center of the story. And it’s easier to accept forgiveness, because we can, especially as Christians, we can fall in this trap of trying to earn our forgiveness by accomplishing our plans for God. But forgiveness is God’s story, and that’s the center story.

We are only recipients of forgiveness. So, it’s easier actually to accept it, knowing that that’s the main story. And it’s also easier to enjoy your possessions without them becoming idols, because possessions and stuff are not the center of the main story.

Like, you become free. We’re servants in another story. And the freedom we have is because Jesus sets us free.

And in our freedom, we can behave in a way that helps our spouse be drawn to Jesus. So, I was thinking this morning, when it says to submit to your husband, it’s almost like saying, you can submit to Jesus and then serve your spouse. Like, it’s that idea, right? He’s the main story.

I’m going to serve to help his agenda. Now, I need to make a comment about the verse for husbands, because all of that was about wives. Verse 7, in the same way you husbands must honor your wives.

Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should, so your prayers will not be hindered.

So, remember I said in Roman culture, wives were expected to take the religion of their husbands, and to make his social group their social group. That means when the husband becomes a Christian, she’s expected to follow, and that is a huge upheaval in her life. So, now she follows you to church, and not to the religion she used to do.

She follows you to potlucks. She hears what Jesus is about. She sings some songs.

She’s part of the church community. She’s got a whole new circle of friends, but she’s not a believer in Jesus, and she actually might resent all of the change this Jesus guy has brought into her life. So, how will she become a believer? She has to see a change in her husband that will make it appealing, that will make it more appealing than all that she’s lost.

So, what Peter says is actually very countercultural. In their culture, a man’s wife was expected to honor him and live attentive to his needs. And Peter says, as a Christian husband, you are to serve your wife’s needs in the same way.

He’s saying to these men, lay down your expectation that she’s going to meet your needs, and instead find out how you can meet her needs. What are her priorities? What does she need to do to be successful in those priorities? How can you facilitate that? It’s tremendously countercultural. She’s physically weaker than you are.

Hold back your power. You will scare her, and if you scare her, she will respond with what power she has, which will be words that shame you and emasculate you. This does not make for a happy life.

We don’t want to hear your wife say, my husband became a Christian and nothing really changed. Instead, Peter says, she’s your equal partner in God’s gift of new life, in God’s grace, in the new way he’s working with humanity, in the new life he’s giving humanity. She’s your equal.

Treat her that way now. And to do this, you’re going to have to be settled in your soul so you can surrender your agenda, and that’s going to come by developing integrity in your walk with Jesus. And in the peace of being settled in your soul with God, you will be free from cultural expectations that you have to be in charge, and by being free, you can serve.

So it’s very much the same instructions he’s giving women, and the purpose is the same. Help your wife find the path to Jesus. What we want to hear is her saying, my husband became a Christian, our life together got better, he is more settled, and that is deeply appealing, and I want to know why.

So the Bible says that there is this big story going on, and you’re invited to be part of that big story, which is God rescuing his creation. And you can behave in your marriage to contribute to and support and be part of that greater purpose. You don’t have to have the main character syndrome.

It doesn’t have to be all about you. And becoming a Christian can dramatically change relationship dynamics in a marriage. You don’t want to give your spouse a reason to reject Jesus because of the change he brought to your marriage.

So you can submit to your spouse, you can honor your spouse, you can serve your spouse’s needs, and that comes by developing a deep connection with the Lord, where you are free to surrender your agenda without fear. So what catches your attention in this passage? Where does it challenge you? What catches your ear? I love that when it speaks to us, it speaks with gentle words, because these are things that you could be beaten over the head with easily, especially for the men, how to be gentle, how to appreciate them, how to support them. I love that word support, because if you look at relationships between men and women today, there’s so little of that support for each other.

There’s kind of a, I must gather all of my protection around me to make sure that when this fails, that I’m going to be fine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like how you said that.

Yeah, this really, it says, stay with who you’re with, be the influence in their life that draws them toward love. And even in today’s world, that we put so much emphasis on the word love, but not necessarily the actions behind it. This really speaks to the actions behind the words, the real meaning of love.

Yeah, I like that. Nice. I remember really reading these passages when I was a young woman, and found a lot of guidance from them.

But I am sensing that there is quite a pushback in the generation, maybe not in every part of Christianity, but there are particularly young women who are saying that the purity culture that’s being proposed is putting a lot of pressure on them. And I want to be mindful about how we impose what we’re saying about these words, and I did appreciate how you framed it. And there is something about how we live our lives, and what people notice about that.

I find it interesting that Sarah, Abraham’s wife, was the example, because Sarah was a hottie. She was noted for her beauty, like Pharaoh took notice of her. She was a beautiful woman.

So maybe it wasn’t because of what she was wearing, but she was physically stunning. And so we are talking about the importance of this spirit, of this settledness. And I do love the interpretation of gentle as being settled, possessed of oneself.

And so we go off on that. But this idea that our outward adornment, even though it shouldn’t be kind of showy and flashy as a follower of Christ, beauty matters. And that’s, I guess, what I want to end on.

Teachings within the Catholic Church that I have found interesting and wise are that truth, beauty, and goodness have a universal appeal, like they speak. And so when we humans encounter truth, beauty, and goodness, just these things out in the world, they stop us in our tracks. So I want to just be careful about the interpretation that has been of these verses that women should be plain and actually suppress their beauty.

I don’t find that that’s how God created this world. I mean, He makes spectacular beauty. And I also don’t think that humans respond to that in a way that helps them see God better.

So I took a lot of time to say that, but that’s what I was trying to say. I really appreciate what you said, because I fully agree with what you said. It’s not saying suppress beauty, but it is saying flaunt, like being sexually alluring, or flaunting your money.

That is not the path that is going to draw your husband to Jesus, because this is all about how does he find Jesus. And even in their culture, some of the philosophers of the day were saying that it can go too far, like there can be too much flaunting. And so there’s a sense of, that’s not the focus.

Be beautiful, but what’s going to draw your husband is going to be what goes on in the inside. Because if you’re stunningly beautiful, but you’re not, what’d you say, a jerk to live with or not calm, that’s just making life together harder. And the one on Sarah, the only time Sarah calls Abraham master, she’s not even talking to him.

She’s talking to herself. And it’s when she’s overhearing the promise that she’s going to have a son, and she’s like, at this age, my master’s going to provide that for me. And that’s the only time she ever uses that word.

So it’s one of those, she’s not actually in front of him submitting. There’s some kind of double entendre, something going on here that’s going to take a female theologian to unpack that sentence. But it’s very interesting.

Genesis 18, verse 12 is the passage. So the thing that struck me this morning was just how much God understands how human beings work. So I have lots of friends and relatives and people that I associate with regularly who are atheists, who either come from a background of family members, especially parents being Christians, or being in relationships with Christian people.

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